To hold, as it were, the mirror up to nature (Hamlet: Act 3, Scene ii).

… Somalia [is] the dumbest, because look how in a few short months they’ve managed to reduce their capital to rubble. Definitely the dumbest.

See page 38 of Keith B. Richburg. Out of America: A Black Man Confronts Africa. New York: A Harvest book, 1998.

It is impossible to pretend that you are not heir to, and therefore, however inadequately or unwillingly, responsible to, and for, the time and place that give you life.

—James Baldwin

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Magic Mirror on the wall

Who in this whole wide world is the dumbest of them all?

Who in this whole wide world is the dumdum Demeanest of them all? 

Who in this whole wide world is the fugliest of them all?

Somalis!

What are we?

Who are we?

We are silly Somalis

We are savage Somalis

We are sicko Somalis

We are psycho Somalis

We are sorry-assed saphead Somali losers

We are sorry-assed saphead Somali suckers

We are most definitely the dumbest of them all in this whole wide world

We are the dumdum Demeanest of them all in this whole wide world

We are the fugliest of them all in this whole wide world

We are so bloody too clever by half for our own good

We are Somalis

We reduced to rubble our whole Homeland in a New York nanosecond

We are Somali silly billies

We spare

Nobody

Nothing

Nada

We are Somali stupidhead strippers

We stripped our whole Somali nation

Naked

In front of the whole wide world

Naked

Naked of her integrity

Naked of her dignity

Naked of her unity

Naked of her sanity

Naked of her divinity

Naked of her humanity

Naked of her destiny

We are Somalis

We are insatiable greedy guts

We are Somali stooges

We are the heapers

We are the reapers

We are the revelers in

All that is indecent

All that is forbidden

All that is fugly

All that is shameful

All that is sharmut

All that is shocking 

All that is haram

All that is hateful

All that is unkosher

All that is uncouth

We are Somalis

We never shy away from anything

That is shitty

That is shocking

That is shameful

That is sordid

That is sinister

That is scandalous

That is embarrassing 

That is Evil

The only things we cathect

The only things we cultivate

The only things we collect

The only things we care about

The only things we are crazy about

The only way we get our kicks

The only farms we farm are

Wrong & robbery

Lying & Larceny

We are Somalis

We never support

We never side

With whatsoever things which are true

With whatsoever things which are honest

With whatsoever things which are just

With whatsoever things which are pure

With whatsoever things which are lovely

With whatsoever things which are of good report

With whatsoever things which are fair

With whatsoever things which are decent

With whatsoever things which are human

With whatsoever things which are divine

With whatsoever things which are good

With whatsoever things which are godly

We are Somalis

We are all beyond the pale

We are all from Mad Mugdi Mudug

We are never partial to anything that is pretty

We are Somalis

We are our own worst enemies

We murder our own children

We maim our own offspring

We are always ever ready

We are always ever ripe

We are always up

We are always upbeat

To rob

To wrong

We are Somalis

We are all always

Up

Up to no good

We are all always primed

To plunder

To pillage

We are all always shit-hot

On what is shameful

On what is shambolic

On what is shocking

On what is Sham

We are Somalis

Our Somali boundless pointless pride pulverizes

The weak

The defenseless

We are Somalis

We laugh at Lovingkindness

We trample upon Tender Mercies

We traduce the Truth

We trash Tolerance   

We traffic in Treachery

We give Love the bum’s rush

We cast out our loved ones

Into Cold Canada

Into all other crazy corners of the Cosmos

Into the outerdarkness

Our cup runneth over

With the everlasting bitterness of all those we daily inflict

With the everlasting curses of all those we daily afflict

We are Somalis

We never honor

We never esteem 

Our elders

Our betters

Our braves

Our paladins 

Our sagacious sultans

We hack to death all of our own heroes

We guillotine all of our own gallant ones

We butcher all of our own up-and-coming standout stalwarts

We spare no Somali

With any sense

With any incense

With any sanity

With any sagacity

With any sobriety

We are all punch-drunk on our Evil deeds

We feed on

We grow fat on

We wax wild on

We wax wicked on

We batten

On the daily misery

On the daily death

On the daily destruction

On the daily degradation

On the daily contumely

On the daily craziness

We daily dish out

To our own kith

To our own kin

Whose pitiful pleas to Allah are the main mojo music to our ears

We are Somalis

We are all done gone the way of Cain

We are all the killers of our own brothers

We are all natural born losers

We are all natural born killers

Of our own kind

Of our own kith

Of our own kin

We all study war and nothing else

We only teach our hands to war

We only teach our fingers to fight

Our right hand is the right hand of fraud & falsehood

Our mouth speaks only vanity

O Lord, in thee we do not trust

That is why we are confused confounded conflicted

That is why we are unhappy hypocrites whose God is not the Lord

That is why we are finished off by Fitna

We all worship warmongers

We all are wannabe warlords 

We all are acolytes of warlocks

We all are myrmidons of mad men

We all are minions of monsters

We all are dedicated dogs of Niman Belaaya

Who foment Fitna

Who fuel feuds

We are Somalis

We faithfully flock after the very thieves of

Our own birthright

Our own patrimony

We tease all

We taunt all

We tar all

We feather all

We tear apart all

We brand them all

Fools

All those who do not dance

To the drums of Disaster

To the drums of Dunces

To the drums of Degradation

To the Dirges of Death

We are Somalis

We are nihilists

We believe

In nihilism

In nihility

In negativity

In negation

In nothing

In nada

We flout our sacred traditions

We never live out the Muslim faith we flaunt

So foolishly

So vociferously

So vehemently

So fanatically

So fantastically

With our fartugly liver lips

We are Somalis

We are Kipling’s lesser breeds without the law

We are half Devil half dwarfish Deadhead

We are savages

That is why we have yet to achieve

The Somali nation-state

The rule of law

The writ of habeas corpus

The runes of humanity

The rudiments of morality 

We are Somalis

We believe Might is Right

We are the coons with the Kalashnikovs

We are truly the only niggers with no place to be somebody

We are so bloody too clever by half for our own good

We are Somalis

The First Tree of Paradise

The Tree of Truth

Under which the whole world shelters

Is in grave dire danger because of us dissembling senseless Somalis

We are the natural born sworn enemies of the Truth

We deny the Truth

We disown the Truth

We denounce the Truth

We disclaim the Truth

We distort the Truth

We disparage the Truth

We discourage the Truth

We disfigure the Truth

We dis the Truth

We deny the Reality

We disown the Reality

We decry the Reality

We distort the Reality

We refuse the Reality

We reject the Reality

We refute the Reality

We repress the Reality

We root out the Reality

We never grow weary of our own Mighty Meandering Mendacity

We are Somalis

We are so bloody too clever by half for our own good

We slaughter ourselves daily with our own hands

And then we spin it

So rapidly

So rabidly

So seductively

So sedulously

So sapidly

So sappily

So we can pin it on others

So we can blame it on others

So we can put it on the doorsteps of others

So we can deliberately make ourselves unaware of

The hell

The horror

The mess

The misery

The morass

The moral squalor

We are wallowing in right now

So we can deliberately make ourselves unaware of the awful anguish

We are languishing in right now 

So we can deliberately make ourselves unaware of how we all are now at the end of our tether

We are Somalis

We are so bloody too clever by half for our own good

We go off on terrible tangents

To redeem the irredeemable

We go off on wild warthog chases

To defend the indefensible

We go off on a tear

Looking for silly wicked wacky wily ways

To excuse the inexcusable

We go off on terrifying tantrums

Looking for silly wicked wacky wily ways

To justify the unjustifiable

We go off out on a limb

Looking for silly wicked wacky wily ways

To rationalize the irrational

We go off out on erroneous errands

Looking for silly wicked wacky wily ways

To do a song and dance for

Our daily Depravity

Our daily Destruction

Our daily Death

Our daily Dread

Our daily Degradation

Our daily Despair

Our daily Disgrace

We are Somalis

We are never ever really ready to deal

Seriously

Honestly

With our deeply scarred Somali Soul

With our deeply wounded Somali Psyche

With our deeply damaged Somali Spirit

We are never ever really ready

To debate

To dialog

To discuss

Seriously

Honestly

How we can all minister to our Somali diseased mind

How we can all pluck from the memory this deeply rooted Somali Sorrow

How we can all raze out the written troubles of the Somali brain
And with some sweet oblivious antidote
Cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff

Which weighs so heavily upon our Somali Heart

We are Somalis

We are so stuck on being

So stupid

So Somali

That we don’t realize

That this is our own Fire

That we are fanning right now so viciously

That is so devastating us all

We are Somalis

We are so stuck on being

So stupid

So Somali

That we don’t realize

That we all must minister to our sick seared Somali Spirit right now 

Or

Perish

Like lunkheads 

Like we are just perishing right now

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Magic Mirror on the wall

Who in this whole wide world is the dumbest of them all?

Who in this whole wide world is the dumdum Demeanest of them all? 

Who in this whole wide world is the fugliest of them all?

Somalis!

What are we?

Who are we?

We are silly Somalis

We are savage Somalis

We are sicko Somalis

We are psycho Somalis

We are sorry-assed saphead Somali losers

We are sorry-assed saphead Somali suckers

We are so bloody too clever by half for our own good

We are most definitely the dumbest of them all in this whole wide world

We are the dumdum Demeanest of them all in this whole wide world

We are the fugliest of them all in this whole wide world

We are Somalis.

—MAHAMUD SIAD TOGANE

My Dear fellow Sicko Somali readers:

If you don’t dig what I have committed here, maybe you can dig the original Somali sad song (upon which the above is based) here below composed by my mentor, the better poet: Mudane Said Ainab

Qaran dumiya isma daba qabta meel walbaba diirta
Wax ma deeqa xaaraan daldala ceebta kama diiqa
Dulmi iyo dhac mooyee marnaba daacad uma hiisha
Isu daranta ubadkeeda dila dooxata u jooga
Naxariista dayriya gacalo dalow ka tuuryeeya
Beshaan dab iyo xoog lahayn kibir u daaduunsha

Dacalada ka buuxsada inkaar abid an duugoobin

Duqaydiyo akhyaartiyo wax garad duubab ma xushmeeya
Halyeygeeda dila nindoorkii kacaba kama dambaysiiya
Dibindaabyadeedaas ku naax dhegaha deeqsiiya
Warlord dagaal oogayiyo tuugta daba yaaca
Ninkaan bello Durbaanka u tummayn doqon ku sheeq sheega
Xeer diida diin kuma dhaqma dawlad hanan waaya
Runta u daran xaqiiqada dafira  beenta kama daala
Gacanteeda isku dila ee haddana duul kale u saara
Isma daya dayaca  ay qabtiyo deefta ma ogaada
Boogaha dushaa sare ka dhaya qiil dulli u raadsha
Sidii daawo loo heli lahaa waana kama dooda
Dabkay hurisay baa gubahayee damin aqoonwaaya 

 NOTES

1. Demeanest: A pun in Somali and in English: Demean or demiin in Somali is dumdum like Dubya, the Demean in the White House.

2. Fitna:  “…is an Arabic word, generally regarded as very difficult to translate. It is often used to refer to civil war, disagreement and division within Islam and specifically alludes to a time involving trials of faith, similar to the Tribulation in Christian eschatology.” See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fitna

3. Minister to our Somali diseased mind: From Shakespeare’s Macbeth, 5. 3:

“Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased,
Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow,
Raze out the written troubles of the brain,
And with some sweet oblivious antidote
Cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff
Which weighs upon the heart?”
4. Mudug: The area of Somalia where all the Evil that is plaguing Somalia right now are cultivated and cathected; the area where we grow our monsters, our midgets, our morons, and our mindless managers and manipulators; the area that is now synonymous with Somalia.

5. Mugdi: (Somali) The Darkness and the Despair and the Evil and the Ignorance and the Arrogance of Mudug (q.v.) that has now spread to every nook, to every cranny, to every corner of Somalia.

6. Niggers: Somalis who are now the only people in the world with no place where they can be somebody. 

7. Niman Belaaya: (Somali) Men or rather Dunces of Disasters. Singular: Nin Belaaya: A Dunce of Disasters. Lewis wrote on page 198 of A Pastoral Democracy: A Study of Pastoralism and Politics Among the Northern Somali of the Horn of Africa. London: Oxford University Press, 1961:

“Popularity and political influence are the result of a totality of different attributes important amongst which are hospitality (which should go with wealth), wisdom, and those various qualities of strength, courage and skill in political affairs which are summed up by the word belaayo. The word means "disaster" or "catastrophe", but what is disastrous to adversaries is often advantageous to one's self, and it is in this sense that bellayo is a term of praise for a man whose actions come near to the ideals of Somali belligerence, independence, daring and panache. When Somali refer to a person as bellayo, they mean that he fulfills their ideals of manly hardihood and distinction. And what wealth and weight of kinship many not ensure, agility in the conduct of affairs, and the skillful manipulation of jealousies and ambitions, may achieve.”

8. No Place To Be Somebody: This is the title of a play by Charles Gordone. Indianapolis, IN: The Bobbs--Merril Company, 1969.

It is the perfect definition of what a Somali nigger is: A nobody with no place to be somebody; that is exactly what we Somalis have rendered and reduced ourselves to.

9. Sharmut: (Somali) Whoremonger.