TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: 

THE HIRAAB BROTHERS

Tweedledum and Tweedledee

Agreed to have a battle;

For Tweedledum said Tweedledee

Had spoiled his nice new rattle.

Just then flew down a monstrous crow,

As black as a tar barrel;

Which frightened both heroes so,

They quite forgot their quarrel.

The Abgal braves

Or

The Ali Baysten yay

The mindless mob

As their foes call them

Held a powwow

&

Worked themselves into a furious fine frenzy

&

Demanded

That their Eemaan,

Their leader curse them

Out of humanity

Out of being the Sons of Adam

Out of being the Sages of Somalis

The Abgal Eemaan said

My clansmen

I can't

I won't

I don’t know

How to do that

How to curse you

How to cast imprecations upon you

I only know

How to bless you

O my clansmen

Why would you want me to curse you?

Then the Ali Baysten replied

Because we want to be like our brothers

The Habar Kintir

The reason why our brothers

The Habar Kintir are

Such mendacious manipulators

Such natural born killers

Such heroes

Such merciless Cains

Such Niman Bellaya

Such men of disaster

Such ignorant arrogant Dr. Know-it-alls

Such mindless men of mugdi Mudug

Such blind mouths

Is that

They have no Emaan!

They have no Faith!

Whereas we the Abgal

Have only Faith & nothing else!

As we all know

Before the advent of the Macavity Majerten

In Mogadishu

We had no issue

We used to feast lying down

Reclining like the Romans

Then the Macavity Majerten came

A-begging

Meowing for our Mohog in Mog

We sat up to protect what was ours from the Macavity Majerten!

Nevertheless

The Macavity Majerten bested us

For in the fifties

&

In the sixties

We had accepted

The bliss

&

The blessing of the Fatiha from them

Try that

On our brothers

The Habar Kintir

&

Then they will answer you

Before they kill you

Please don’t bother us

Stick your Fatiha into you fat fanny!

Make that cash!

We only accept cash!

Money talks

Bullshit like the Fatiha walks!

Take your Fatiha

To the Ali Baysten

To my brothers!

To the foolish Abgal!

Before the Il-Jeh came to invade our tribal territory

We used to feast sitting down!

Like civilized folks

Now that the Habar Kintir had stolen our birthright

We have nothing to eat!

We are always

On the go

On the run

Crazy on kat

Caught in the rat race

Like the crazy Yankees

Gulping down fast flavourless flatulent food

Emaan!

That is why

We want to be natural born killers

Like our brothers

We want to be like the Il-Jeh!

You say

That you don’t know

How to curse us

Curse us like this

So we can become like our brothers

The Habar Kintir

Curse us the way our ancestor

Hawiye

Had cursed the Il-Jeh!

Curse us with these three calamities

That he had cursed them with!

A stomach

That is as insatiable

As the seven bellies of the unbeliever!

A tongue

A forked tongue

Like the ofay's

That calls his lies Manifest Destiny & other Doozies!

That calls peace war & war peace!

That never ceases wagging!

That is never embarrassed!

That is never ashamed!

That is never abashed!

That is never shy!

That is always so glib

That is ever so deceitful

A foot

That never ceases

Committing murder & mayhem

Committing black mischief!

Curse us

So we will lose our unshakable Faith

In Allah!

In Islam!

In each other

In everything decent

Curse us

So we will inspire Fear in each of us instead of Faith!

Curse us

So we will like the Il-Jeh be blind guides

Who strain at a gnat and swallow a Somali camel whole!

Curse us

So we will take the children’s bread and cast it to dogs!

Curse us

So Allah will cast us out into the outer darkness of hell!

Curse us

So that in Mogadishu there will be

Ceaseless weeping!

Ceaseless anguish!

Ceaseless languishing!

Ceaseless gnashing of teeth!

Ceaseless murder!

Ceaseless mayhem!

Ceaseless madness!

Curse us

So we will lose like the Il-Jeh our own soul

But gain mad Mogadishu!

But bask in Perdition

But Bask in Pandemonium

The high capital of Satan & his peers

Curse us

So that our leaders will be false prophets & ravening wolves!

Curse us

So that the Somali house will become

A house divided against itself that cannot stand!

A house built on the quicksand of clanism

A house divided into

Darod against Hawiye

Darod against Darod!

Abgal against Abgal!

Il-Jeh against Il-Jeh!

A house divided into

Brother against brother!

Sister against sister!

North against South!

Hargaysa against Mogadishu!

Curse us

So we devour the orphan’s share & the widow’s houses!

And for pretense make long prayers

&

Grow black shivering fearsome beards!

Like Osama's

Curse us

So we love darkness rather than the light!

Curse us

So we hate each other!

Curse us

So we love and adore

Whatsoever things are crazy

Whatsoever things are clannish

Whatsoever things are clownish

Whatsoever things are coonish

Whatsoever things are false!

Whatsoever things are fake

Whatsoever things are vain

Whatsoever things are fatude

Whatsoever things are fanfaronade

Whatsoever things are dishonest!

Whatsoever things are indecent

Whatsoever things are impure!

Whatsoever things are fugly!

Whatsoever things are of evil report!

Curse us

So we can shut up our bowels of compassion

Against the needless suffering of our neighbours!

Curse us

So we do the bidding of our enemies

The bidding of the Ethiopians & the Kenyans

When the Emaan refused to curse his Abgal clan

The Abgal crucified him

Becoming

As acephalous

As headless

As heedless

As asinine

As their brothers

As the Habar Kintir

Raising one among themselves by merit to his bad eminence 

One devoid of decency & dignity & integrity

One very much like Aideed

One marked like Aideed

One called

Ali Mahdi

Or

Ali Nafto!

Or

Ali Diesel!

Who is Ali Mahdi

In Togane’s Apocrypha

One day

They brought Jesus

They brought The Word of Allah

They brought The Spirit of Allah

A leper

Jesus healed the leper

Jesus cleansed the leper

They brought Jesus a blind man

Jesus restored sight to his eyes

They brought Jesus a man who could not hear

Jesus opened his ears!

They brought Jesus a man who was lame

Jesus made him walk

They brought Jesus a man possessed

By Jinni

By devils

Jesus cast them out and restored him to sanity

They brought Jesus a dumb man possessed by the devil

Jesus rebuked that devil out of the man and the man spoke!

They brought Jesus

The Son of Mary

A dead man

Jesus resurrected him

Jesus raised him up from the dead!

And then they brought Jesus

Ali Mahdi

Ali Nafto

Ali Diesel

Chief ass

Chief donkey

Of the Abgal Donkeydom!

Of the Abgal Donnybrook!

That is when Jesus wept!

Saying even the Son of Man

Even the Son of Mary

Even the prophets of Allah are helpless

When faced with fools like Ali Mahdi!

For as Somalis themselves say

Never help a fool

Never heal a chucklehead!

That is why today the Abgal are called

Habar Koolay!

For they have indeed become what they had wanted to become

Just like their brothers called

Habar Kintir!

Whom God wishes to destroy, He first makes them

Mad as Aideed & his Habar Kintir!

Whom God wishes to destroy, He first makes them

Asinine as Ali Mahdi & his Habar Koolay!

That is why today Somalia

Is seesawing 

Is swinging

Between Habar Kintir & Habar Koolay!

Between Tweedledum & Tweedledee!

Between Ali Diesel & Aideed!

Between Folly & Lunacy!

Between Arabs & Africans!

Between the Devil & the Deep Blue Sea!

Between Scylla & Charybdis!

Between Gog & Magog!

Between Jooj & Wamajooj!

Between Arta Djibouti & Eldoret Kenya!

Mohamud Togane