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The
Somali Peace Conference of Darod Cats & Hawiye Mice
(for
Issaq Eedow R.I.P.)
by: Mohamud
Siad Togane
togane@progression.net
 February
25, 2003
MACAVITY’S
MYSTERY MAJERTEN CAT:
He’s
called the Hidden Paw—
For
he’s master criminal who can defy the law.
He’s
the bafflement of Scotland Yard,
The
Flying Squad’s despair:
For
when they reach the scene of the crime—
Macavity
Majerten’s not there!
Adayr!
Uncle!
Zio
Given
your experience of all things Somali
Given
your long experience with all the Somali clans
&
Their
crazy clannish wayward ways
If
any one knows Somalis
It
is you
So
tell me
When
will there be peace among us silly uncivilized
Somalis
When
will Somalia become governable again
When
will we Somalis begin to learn again
How
to play by the rules of civilization—
Even
Bantu civilization—
I
mean any human civilization known to Mankind
When
will Somalia become again a country of law and
order
And
join the world of order
When
will we Somalis stop being
Kipling’s
“Lesser
breeds without the law
Half
child half devil”
When
will we Somalis stop waiting for Godot
When
will Godot show up in Mogadishu
When
will the Habar Kintir invaders begin to learn
The
lesson the Rahanwayn taught them
Not
so long ago
That
you just can’t invade other tribe’s territory
&
Oppress
and repress with impunity
When
will the Habar Gidir Huns learn
That
a cat at her home has the fangs of a lioness!
When
will the IL-JEH invaders go back home
Back
home to the boondocks where they belong
Back
home to Hobyo
When
will the Darod be able to go back home
Back
home to Mogadishu
Back
to their homes
Back
to their businesses in Mogadishu
Back
to their villas by the lapis lazuli Lido Beach
Of
the indigo Indian Ocean
Back
to Iskurarun Mogadishu
Where
they had lived peacefully
Ever
since the ancient days of Ibn Batuta
When
will Ibrahim Oonlaye & his kids
Who
are the rightful owners
Of
Café Nazionale
Of
Cinema Hamar
Be
able to go back home
Back
to their fabulous properties in Mogadishu
When
will the children & grandchildren
Of
Hajji Deeriye be able to go back home
Back
home to Mogadishu
When
will the Oonlaye family be able to go back home
Back
home to their villas
Back
to their restaurant at Afar Irdoad
When
will the Hajji Yusuf Egal family be able to go
back home
Back
to their ancestral home in downtown Mogadishu
Back
to their comfortable Compound by the Lido Beach
When
will the Hutu-Hawiye-Hiraab-
Habar-Kintir-Habar-Koolay-
Horror-Show
come to an end in Mogadishu
Adayr
Uncle
Zio
When
will the Sa’ad begin to realize
That
Hawiye is not
A
condom
That
they can wear
Whenever
they get an erection
Whenever
they feel like stealing an election
When
will the Macavity Majerten begin to realize
That
Darod is not
A
devise
A
disguise
For
their deceitful designs
When
will the wily Wa’es-le begin to realize
That
they are not the only brains of the Mudulod
That
they are not the Macavity Majerten of the whole
Abgal family
When
will there be peace
Among
us silly Somalis
Among
the Darod
Among
the Majerten
Among
the Hawiye
Among
the Abgal
Among
the Habar Gidir
When
will the Eedor begin to
realize
That
they are not the only folks
In
the whole of Somaliland
When
will we Somalis begin to realize
That
it is the God-given right of
The
Issaq
To
secede
From
our now imaginary Union
From
our now fictitious unity
From
the real mad mess in Mogadishu
When
will the Eedor begin to realize
This
crystal clear corollary
That
what is good for the Eedor goose
Is
Also
good for the Darod & Gadabursi gander
That
if the Issaq can secede from Mogadishu
So
can the Dhulbahante from Hargayse
So
can the Warsengele from Hargayse
So
can the Gadabursi from Hargayse
Habar
Yonis
Had
her turn of ruling Eedorland
Habar
Awal Had her turn of ruling Eedorland
When
will
Habar
Ja’el get her turn of running roughshod over
Eedorland
When
will the Eedor stop being
So
ignorant
So
arrogant
So
stupid
So
smug
So
snug in Hargayse
So
stuck-up
So
asinine
So
self-satisfied
So
idiotic
So
shameful
So
faqash
So
piggish
With
a smirk on their silly Eedor mugs
Going
around the world
Bragging
around the world:
“
See us Eedor!
Look
at us Eedor!
Hark!
The
herald Eedor angels sing
Peace
in Hargaysa!
Living
in peace in Hargaysa
Where
the Faqash don’t roam no more
We
are the Jews of Somalia!
We
Eedor are better
Than
our suffering Somali sisters & brothers in faqash
Mogadishu!”
Eedor
Let
me make one thing perfectly clear
I
am the Mudul
I
am the Mudulod
I
am the Abgal
Who
chanted
In
defiance of Afwayne & Dafle
In
the face of the terror
In
the face of the tyranny
Of
the Darod mad MOD Confederacy:
Dalkaga
daafa deedi ma!
Eedor
ku dool doni ma!
I
won’t refuse to defend my motherland!
But
I
won’t accept
I
just don’t want
To
attack
To
invade
To
occupy
Like
the deceitful Darod want me to
Like
the dirty Darod
Did
attack
Did
invade
Did
occupy
The
territory of
The
people of Issaq!
So
Issaq
I
am not in your way
Secede
all you want from the merciless madness in Mog!
But
before you secede from the mess in Mog
Come
back to Mog
To
clean up
The
mess
You
had made
When
the Eedor were the faqash of the Greatest Darod
Druid
When
the Eedor were the henchmen of Afwayne
When
the Eedor were the disciples of Afwayne
When
the Eedor were the Lackeys & the Lickspittles
of Lord Hee-Haw Hategood Afwayne!
Eedor
Come
back
To
clean up
The
mess
Your
kith
Your
kin
Your
Machiavellian
Your
whore of Hargayse
Your
Mahammad Ibrahim Hajji Egal
Your
Omar Arteh Ghalib
The
number one pack-donkey of Afwayne
Your
Habar Ja’el jackass
Ismael
Ali Abokar
Your
Lah-Was!
Your
ewe-fucker!—
Before
you do secede
Come
back
To
clean up all the mess these Eedor Bastards had
made
In
the Mudul of the Mudulod
In
the hut of the Hawiye!
Eedor
I
am for your secession from the South
It
is the dirty damn Darod
Who
won’t let you secede!
Who
covet your Somaliland
Remember
They
tried to give your land to the Darod Ogaden!
It
is the daredevil demented Darod
Who
wants both of us Erir
Who
needs both of us Erir
So
that the Darod can hide
Their
hollowness
Their
homelessness
So
the Darod can hide & conceal the fact
That
Darod was once a naked foundling found
Up
a lonely tree!!!
Would
that the Darod
Would
go back home to that lonely tree!!
When
will all the other shameless shiftless Somali
clans
Become
As
civilized
As
peaceful
As
intelligent
As
educated
As
imaginative
As
smart
As
the Samaron
As
the Gadabursi
And
produce
As
the Gadabursi continually do so
Galore
An
embarrassment
Of
riches
Of
Scholars
Of
Divines
Of
PhDs
Of
Professors
Of
Educators
Of
Mentors
Like
the Samatar Brothers
Of
Universities
Of
Doctors
Like
Doctor Tani
Of
Nurses
Of
Hospitals
Of
Peacemakers
Like
the Somali Martyr of Peace
General
Talan
When
will the rest of the crazy Somali clans begin to
realize
As
the Gadabursi had
That
you can’t oppress
Other
Somali clans
&
Hope
to make any progress
When
will the Habar Kintir begin
To
take pride
In
brain power
Instead
of
In
their mindless moriyan bililiqsi brute bestial
power
When
will the Marehan stop
Hating
their fellow Darod Macavity Majerten Mystery Cat
Out
of guilt
Out
of envy
Out
of jealousy
When
will the Rer Mahad Omar Mahamood stop being
The
Muggers of Mugdi
Mudug
When
will they stop being
So
bloody
So
bellicose
So
belligerent
So
prone
So
bound
To
violence
To
Ina Yay
To
the Son of the Jackal
To
the Punk of Puntland
To
Abdullahi Yusuf
When
will there be peace
Among
the Salaymanyada
Among
the Majerten Solomons
When
will the Osman Mahamood stop being
So
paranoid
So
beastly
To
my affines
To
the Ali Salayman
Who
believe
who
preach
who
practice
"La
civilta viena del mare"
Who
only want to chase the mighty buck
Who
believe
Like
Ali Madoabe of Mogadishu
That
the business of Somalia
Ought
to be
Just
business
Just
like in the USA
The
land of the might buck
The
immigrant fuck
The
hot melting pot luck
Since
James Baldwin is so right
And
what won’t be faced
Can’t
be fixed
When
will we of the Somali race
Face
up to our self-created problems
And
fix up our country
That
is going kaput
Right
now
Right
in front of our very eyes
Adayr!
Uncle!
Zio
Issaq
Eedow
I
know
It
will take
Intelligence
Imagination
Wit
Wisdom
Abgal
Mother wit
Darod
Majerten moxie
Issaq
ingenuity
Habar
Gidir goodness
Rahanwayn
righteousness
Marehan
Magnanimity
Compromise
Consensus
Forbearance
Fortitude
Forgiveness
Above
all
Faith
in Allah
To
have peace in Somalia
But
When
will we Somalis rise up to this challenge
When
will we Somalis be capable of all that
When will we Somalis finally stand up
As
a united faithful Moslem Umma
When
will we Somalis
Stand
up
&
Deliver
Deliver
our people
From
the insatiable greedy grab for power
Of
mean men
Of
Afwaynists
Like
Ina Bad Sad Salad Boy
Like
the silly Greedy Goat from Garowe
Like
the Punk of Puntland
Who
are scavenging right now
Who
are salivating right now
Over
the carcass of Mandeq
Who
have hijacked our country
Who
are holding us all Somalis hostages to their blind
ambition
When
will we Somalis finally stand up
As
a united faithful Moslem folks
Stand
up
&
Deliver
our people
From
the tyranny
From
the terror
From
the predatory clannish men of disaster
Since
we have no other alternatives
Since
we have exhausted all other alternatives
When
will we Somalis wise up
When
will we grow up
Instead
of still glorying
In
the gore of brother killing brother
When
will we Somalis stop being
Wise
guys
To
this Abba Eban’s wry observation that
“History
teaches us that
Men
and nations
Behave
wisely
Only
Once
they have exhausted
All
other alternatives”
I
would add
This
caveat
This
correction
Except
Somali men
Except
the Somali nation
So
Zio
When
will we Somalis stop being
The
most stupid people on the face of the earth
When
will we Somalis stop being
The
only people in the world
With
no patriotism
With
no fellow-Volk-feeling
With
no capital of their own
With
no flag of their own
With
no State of their own
With
no national institutions of their own
With
no national seat at the UN
With
no voice
With
no mission
With
no vision
With
no passion
With
no say
In
their future as a volk
When
will we Somalis stop being
The
laughingstock of the whole world
When
will we Somalis stop being
Like
the Arabs of
Abba
Eban
Who
just love to gather together
Idly
All
the time
To
never ever agree
On
anything
Who
never ever miss a chance
To
miss
One
golden opportunity
After
another golden opportunity
When
will we Somalis stop being
So
close to Arabs
So
far from Allah
So
far from the Sunna of Prophet Muhammad
So
far from true Islam
When
will we Somalis stop wearing
The
filthy rags of the self-righteousness of the
Munafaq
When
will we Somalis begin to realize
That
you just can’t pray a lie
Five
times a day
That
Allah is not
Just
another Somali sucker to seduce
When
will we Somalis stop
Worshipping
Niman
Balaya
Men
of Disaster
Arrogant
men of ignorance
Men
like Afwayne
Men
like Aideed
Men
like Abdullah Yusuf
Men
like Ina Bad Salad Boy
Men
like the Mudulod midgets
Who
palmed off Ali Diesel
Who
saddled Somalia with silly SOBs
Like
Bod
Like
shod
Like
bullshit
Like
these predatory men
From
Mugdi Mudug
Who
prey on their kith & kin
Who
believe
Who
behave
Like
Afwayne
Like
Il Duce
Who
proclaim
Meglio
un giorno da lione
Che
cento anni da
pecora:
Better
one day
Of
roaring like a lion
Of
living dangerously like a lion
Than
hundred years of bleating pitifully like a sheep
When
will we stop worshipping
Warlocks
&
Witless
worthless warmongers
Whose
first refuge
Is
Qabeel
iyo Qurun
The
Somali KKK
Dir
Darod
Dayoos
Whose
last refuge
Is
Qabeel
iyo Qurun
The
Somali KKK
Dir
Darod
Dayoos
When
will we Somalis begin to realize
This
sad truth
That
most evil is done by us silly Somalis
Who
never make up our minds
To
be
Either
Good
Or
Evil
When
will the dull Dhulbahante begin to realize
That
this not so dandy Darodism is a dirty device
Devised
by the mad Macavity Majerten Mystery cat
&
Stop
being so dumb
As
to live for Darodism
As
to die for Darodism
As
to kill for Darodism
It
is this diehard dull Dhulbahante Darodism
In
1991
That
enraged the Hutu Hawiye
That
killed my friend
Professor
Abyan Madoabe
Who
died for the sins of
Dull
Dhulbahante jackals
The
murderers of MOD
The
muggers of MOD
Like
Dafle
Like
Qaybiye
Like
Ali Khaleef Galayrd
Like
Farah Hussein Ghayle
Better
known as
Farah
Badaw!
Who
played the dullest Dhulbahante of them all
Who
farted away
Who
frittered away
Who
frustrated away
At
the Center of Somali Education
At
the Lafole Teachers College of Education
All
the educational progress
All
the hopes
All
the aspirations
All
the dreams
Of
the Somali people
When
will we Somalis stop
Believing
Living
for
Dying
for
Clannish
causes of rubbish
&
Become
As
civilized
As
sophisticated
As
cosmopolitan
As
our BBC Somali cousin
Ragge
Omaar
When
will we Somalis stop striking
All
the attitudes of fatude
The
attitude of delusion
The
attitude of folly
The
attitude of farts
The
attitude of fanfaronade
The
attitude of finger-pointing
The
attitude of fission
The
attitude of chaos
The
attitude of confusion
The
attitude of vanity
The
attitude of inanity
The
attitude of insanity
The
attitude of the volatility of always blowing our
top sky high
The
attitude of endless feuds
The
attitude of endless vendettas
The
attitude of futility
The
attitude of nullity
The
attitude of always cutting off our own noses
To
spite our fugly faces
The
attitude of always taking offence
At
every obvious truth.
The
attitude of playing
Endless
Useless
Pointless
Pitiless
Zero-sum
Ghastly
games
The
attitude of each clan
Cultivating
Cathecting
Coddling
Mad
men of disaster
Our
Lord Hategood Juniors
Sons
of Afwyane
Our
most Senior Lord Hategood
Bearing
the mark of the beast
Bearing
the number of the beast
Bearing
the Apocalyptic Number
666
Of
Afwayne’s Darod Mad M. O. D 69
Guzzling
Vat 69
Whoring
at the 69 degree angle of abomination
The
harbingers of the end of Somalia
The
bringers of the end of Somalia
Who
married Somalia to
The
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Pestilence
War
Famine
Death
Zio
In
friendship false, implacable in hate
Resolved
to ruin or to rule the state
This
slow death of our dazed country
This
slow death of this Somali dance macabre
When
will we Somalis stop
Talking
so much
&
Thinking
so little
When
will we Somalis be able to overcome
The
narcissism of our small tiny itty-bitty bitsy
differences?
—Mandow
Mahamood
Given
our Somali legacy
Of
our Lord Afwayne
Of
our most Senior Lord Hategood
Given
the amplitude
Of
the pliability of our people
Of
the folly of our Somali attitude
Of
the fatude of our people
Only
this similitude of dirty Darod cats & Hutu
Hawiye mice will do
So
he who runs may read
One
day
The
Chief of all the Darod cats of the world
Ran
into
The
Chief of all the Hawiye mice of the world
They
engaged in this most curious exchange:
—Why
don’t you
Nasty
Mice
Give
us Darod cool cats peace?
Why
can’t you mice be nice?
Why
can’t you nasty mice give peace a chance?
— Chief
Cat!
Your
Darod Lordship!
You
can’t be serious!
Just
imagine
If
you can
Darod
Cats remonstrating with us nice Hutu Hawiye mice
for peace!
Cats
suing for peace from us nice mice!
That
is the funniest haha I have ever heard!
That
cuts no ice with us nice mice
You
cracked me up
Get
away from me!
Devious
Darod!
Crazy
cat
Cut
that crap
Keep
your distance from me
Chief
Cat
But
please carry one with your funny cattish cracks!
Keep
your distance
But
Keep
cutting up!
Keep
cracking me up!
—It
is not a crack!
We
are all about to croak because of you nasty Hutu
Hawiye mice
Rats!
How
many of us Darod cats
Have
lost
Life
& limb & whiskers
While
whisking after you
Nasty
Hutu Hawiye mice!
Nimble
mice!
Nibble-nibble
mice
I
know
That
you believe
Allah
blessed us Darod aristocrats
With
lady luck
With
nine lives
But
we have had it
What
is life when you are one-eyed!
What
is life worth when light is denied!
Do
you know how many of us Darod cats
Have
lost an eye
Or
Gone
totally blind
While
in hot pursuit
Of
Hutu Hawiye
Of
sassy mice
Of
saucy mice
Of
sapid mice?
I
am serious!
We
Darod Aristocats desire peace with Hutu Hawiye
mice
Be
nice now mice
We
are tired of always picking on someone
Not
our size
Not
in our league
Someone
as dumkopf as the Hutu Hawiye!
It
is such a bore!
It
is such a yawn
That
is why we Darod cats yawn so much
We
are tired of yawning
So
this time
We
are learning to sing a different tune
Forget
about yesterday’s tune
Which
was
Fe
fi fo fum
I
smell the blood of a Hutu Hawiye Mouse
Be
he alive or be he dead
I’ll
grind his bones to make my bread!
Today
we Darod Cats are getting hip
Hip
to
How
our Hutu Hawiye brother mice are
So
nice!
So
we are now singing a different tune:
Miss
Rose Fyleman
The
Mennonite Missionary
Taught
us a song
That
every Darod cat
Ought
to know by now
Let
me sing it for you
It
goes like this
I
think Hutu Hawiye mice
Are
rather nice.
Their
tails are long
Their
brains small
They
are kaffir coons with kalashnikovs
Killing
Moslems & infidels too!
They
haven’t any
Brain
Power at all.
Their
ears are pink
Their
teeth are white
They
run about
The
house at night.
They
nibble things
They
shouldn’t touch
And
no one seems
To
like them Hutu Hawiye mice much
But
we cats are beginning to think Hutu Hawiye mice
Are
rather nice!
So
Chief
Hutu Hawiye Mouse
Tomorrow
At
dawn
When
you can barely distinguish
A
Hutu Hawiye black mouse from a Hutu Hawiye white
mouse
On
the plains of Burane
Just
outside Mahadday Wayn
We
will hold the first and the last Somali Peace
Conference of Darod Cats & Hawiye Mice
I
will approach the site of the conference
From
the east
Where
the sun rises
Leading
my mighty meowing
Confederacy
of us Darod Kings
Potentates
Prepotents
Aristocats
&
You
will approach
From
the west
Where
the sun sets
Leading
your multitudes of marching mean Hutu Hawiye
mindless mice
I
am sure
Chief
Mouse
You
& I can establish peace
That
passes all understanding
That
will outlast
All
the kingdoms
Of
cats
Of
mice
Of
Men
All
put together!
See
you tomorrow on the Plains of Burane!
Now
here is how the Darod Chief Cat briefed his
confederacy of Darod cats:
—My
fine feline fellow aristocrats!
My
Aristocats!
What
a coup!
What
a clever cunning coup I have just concocted!
What
a trick we will play tomorrow on the Hutu Hawiye
mindless mice
Tomorrow
at dawn
When
you can barely distinguish
A
Hutu Hawiye black mouse from a Hutu Hawiye white
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